Full Speedo Ahead

So here’s a quick question; When exactly did naked male flesh get to be yucky or bad?  Why are grown-ass adults reduced to giggly school children when a guy wears shorts above his fucking knee?  When I was a kid way back in the dark ages men used to wear shorts to play sports.  We even wore bathing suits and (gasp) speedos.  We showed our thighs.  Are those days gone forever?

As long as I’m on the subject why is a speedo synonymous with gay?  Why don’t women think seeing the outline of a penis is hot?  Has sexual repression really advanced that far?  How about we grow the fuck up about sexuality.  You know, like we used to be.

Humans should find human flesh to be attractive.  Sexual repression and the demonization of heterosexual urges by both the left and right disgusts me. Sexual mutilation, fat shaming, rape and whole host of other abominations start with body shaming.  Mortification of the flesh is an age old practice that should be rejected by modern sensibilities.

When the revolution comes I’ll be wearing a kilt.  Duh.  But at the post  revolution pool party I’ll be rocking a shiny speedo.  Saor Alba, Vaya Con Dios, and Viva la Revolucion!

A Serious Question

Before I launch into my rant I think it’s prudent to point out context. Sexual assault is heinous. I can hardly be called a feminist but a man who takes intimacy that hasn’t been offered is loathsome to me, deserves violence and I don’t really give a shit about the context. I’ve done rape counselling and taught rape prevention for 15+ years, usually for free. I’ve physically intervened when men were being overly aggressive and have escorted women home or back to their hotel rooms if they’ve over imbibed, been drugged, or fear going alone. This is one of the few issues I take very fucking seriously and I’m sure most, if not all, women would agree with me. So I’m not kidding when I ask the following question: Why is sexually assaulting me okay?

I wear a kilt. A lot. Most of the time, even. I like kilts. They’re comfortable and provide great ease of movement. Almost every time I wear one I’m assaulted by a woman. I have had dozens of women I didn’t know reach under my kilt and grab my ass or balls. I’ve come home from a night out with bruises. I know men who own kilts and won’t wear them because they’ve been repeatedly mauled. There are a number of Scottish themed restaurants that have had to stop having waiters wear kilts because their female patrons would not stop grabbing the servers dick. Why is this okay? What would happen if I lifted your dress and inserted a finger in the middle of Fremont St?

The physical assaults, while common, are nothing compared to the verbal ones. Literally thousands of women have come up to me and demanded to know what I’m wearing under my kilt. Really? Do you have panties on? Are they sexy and lacy? What color are they? If I asked them the same questions the police would likely become involved. In fact if I behaved like they do I’d have a sexual predator tag next to my name. But you know, it’s all in good fun. Besides, I didn’t have pants on so I was asking for it, right?

You know what the worst part is? The attitude. After the experiences I’ve had with rape survivors it is fucking disgusting to hear the exact same justifications offered in the exact same words from a middle aged housewife. “It’s just little grab.” “Well, I’ve been drinking.” “Chill out, we’re all just having a good time.” “Oh, I didn’t know you were a prude.” “You wish I was assaulting you.” “You probably liked it.” “What did you expect, wearing that?” Just once I’d like to grab them back, but that would probably mean jail time. My regular response now is to loudly say “Fuck you, cunt” every time it happens.

I admit that I’m not the sensitive type and it hasn’t really caused me any psychic damage. It doesn’t scare me because I certainly have the skills to keep from being dragged off and raped. If I’d never worn a kilt I might even find it funny. But consider that my wife is usually standing next to me. That can’t be too fun. It’s happened repeatedly when I’m with my kids or the young children of a friend. Does that seem reasonable?

The saddest part of this whole thing is that it’s made me a little less sympathetic towards rape victims. I was guilty of the belief that men were more predatory and less empathetic. I viewed sexual assault as a male issue but now I realize that it’s a human issue. The main difference seems to be that, when confronted, a woman can fight back but a man can’t.

As a culture we’ve come a very long way toward not blaming a woman for being the victim of assault. I know we still have a ways to go, but when does the same consideration begin to extend to the other half of the population? I’m not going to hold my breath. I always remember the words of Nietzsche: “Slaves don’t want to be free, slaves want to own slaves.” Or in this case: “Women don’t want to stop assaults, they want to be the assaulter.” So congratulations, women. Equality! You’re every bit as evil as men. Actually more so. Because lots of us men think it’s a problem and I haven’t yet met a woman who apologized.

Lord of the Speedo

What do tight little Speedos, obesity and the Lord of the Flies have to do with each other? Flesh. Beautiful, sexy, difficult, challenging, stinky and sweaty human skin. Or, put another way, why do we hate ourselves so much?

Have you noticed that, as a society, we don’t treat fat people very well? (Full disclosure: I tip the scales at a big healthy 225, a rather largish number for my 5’9” height. Lots of muscle, but plenty of padding too.) We mock and belittle the obese. We make all kinds of unfair assumptions about their discipline and moral character. And it’s bullshit. Unfair, inaccurate, judgmental bullshit.

As a trainer I learned that there is absolutely no correlation between skinny and healthy. Nor does being thin mean that you have a single shred more moral fiber or discipline. But still it’s a tremendous insult to ask if someone has recently gained weight. Presidential contenders have to have surgery in order to run because we would never elect a fat guy to lead us. The sight of a larger sized woman in a sexy or tight outfit seems to disgust both men and women. Let the eye rolling and mocking begin.

There’s all kinds of questionable ‘scholarship’ out there to explain this clear prejudice. It’s our male dominated society, or female cattiness, or Hollywood or some other scape-goating crap. I’ve spent a lot of years helping people with body issues and I’ll tell you exactly what it is: We’ve been taught to dislike human flesh. We’ve been led to believe that human bodies are inherently evil or at least icky. Since fat people have more flesh, they’re lesser and yuckier. Oh, and by the way, this belief just happens to be TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG.

And that brings me to Speedos. Remember way back in the dark ages of the 70’s when men used to wear bathing suits? You know, skimpy little tight numbers that showed their legs and, oh my, gasp gasp, had a bulge in the front? Those days are long gone. Just try to find a men’s bathing suit that doesn’t brush the knees. They’re also roomy enough to carry a number of magic tricks inside, flowers and flags and shit. Hell, maybe even a bunny or two. Many guys even put underwear under the suit, just to make sure there’s absolutely no hint of sexuality or human flesh when they get in the water. It’s not just men. Women’s bikinis are getting larger and thicker. Coming soon to a Macy’s near you- full body baggy clown swimsuits for the stylishly repressed swimmer.

When the subject of Speedos comes up the new response is universal: “Ewwww, who wants to see that?” Yeah, really. Who would want to see a good looking guy’s body? Who’d want to know that he might have a penis? Imagine the scorn and mocking a slightly obese guy in a Speedo would face showing up at the local pool or beach. Girls would giggle and point. Men would mutter ‘faggot’ under their breath. Mother’s would shield their children’s eyes. And why? Just because he dared to show a little human flesh to other humans. A child molester or terrorist would have an easier time. We sometimes forgive or at least try to understand them. But a fat person in a skimpy bathing suit? Bring out the stones.

Our fear of human flesh is both sick and ridiculous. We ban it from movies and television, unless of course it’s being hacked up by a chainsaw wielding maniac. We shun any stars who dare to show a little too much flesh or acknowledge that they might like having sex. We even legislate exactly how much flesh can be shown in specific situations. That’s right, actual laws with penalties for having human skin. What sad, repressed little creatures we can be.

Now here’s where the essay takes a unexpected turn. You’re probably expecting a rant about how sex is good and shouldn’t we just get over it by now. After all, every one of us has genitals. Of course that’s all true, but that’s not where I’m going. I’m going back to the pool and the Lord of the Flies.

I live in a place that has a neighborhood pool. There are a bunch of kids who use that pool. Most of the time there are moms accompanying them. You notice I said accompanying, not watching or supervising. These moms sit in the shade and literally never look up from their phones. EVER. The kids are screaming for attention. The kids are throwing all the chairs in the pool. They’re fighting and spitting on each other. The other day one little kid was literally tying the rescue line around his neck and jumping into the deep end. It’s Lord of the Flies, except the moms are literally 20 feet away. My wife and I could barely stop giggling in horror when one mom chastised her 10 year old daughter by saying “I don’t want to listen to you, I wanna play my game”.

It would be all too easy to condemn this particular group as bad parents but I think that’s too easy. The other night my wife and I watched a young couple on a date at a very nice restaurant. Neither one of them ever got off the phone. They ate with one hand. They barely talked. And they were the rule, not the exception. If you’ve read my earlier essays you know how much I hate people watching live concerts through their phone. The phone obsessed moms aren’t any worse, they’re just a more obvious example of our disconnected society.

Kids are messy. They’re fleshy little things that want constant close attention. Dating is messy. It’s full of insecurity, awkward fumbling and garlic breath at the worst possible time. Phones are safe. They’re sterile and rarely sweat. They’re so un-fleshy. So at exactly what point did we become too squeamish to deal with reality? When did being human get to be bad? When did we decide that we, ourselves, are gross? Because at that moment a lot of shit went wrong.

Life is not sterile. Life is sweaty and stinky. It bleeds and burps. It has rolls of flesh, unwanted hair and genitals. It eliminates waste in awkward ways. But it’s ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING GLORIOUS.

Be not afraid of your humanity. Put down the camera and play with your kid, even if it’s hard. Talk to your date and forgive their flatulence. Go hug a hefty person and lose yourself in the fabulous abundance of their humanity. Let’s get rid of all the laws that restrict or outlaw our wonderful, complicated, icky horrible bodies. Unpack the Speedos and spandex. Embrace those who carry a few extra pounds or are willing to put their flesh out there for all to see. Shame those who would scorn or judge our human skin. Because if we can’t even accept our own human skin we have no hope of finding Joy or God or anything else beyond a little sanitized box of electronics. Saor Alba, Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion my fleshy friends.

The Planned Parenthood Mess…

Well, loyal parishioners of the digital salvation show, we have a request.  And of course we do requests, especially from close friends.  So here we go, thoughts on the Planned Parenthood/Susan G Komen mess…

Let’s begin with Planned Parenthood.  It exists because it HAS to.  We live in a country where two things are undeniably true: healthcare is not well distributed to the lower economic classes and good, scientific information about sex isn’t distributed at all.  Planned Parenthood bravely tries to fill both of those voids at once and make women’s sexual health care available to under served communities.  More power to them.  I admire and support their efforts and I really don’t give a fuck how much their executives make.  They’re fighting the good fight and doing so on two fronts.

Their first battle is with poverty.  Huge numbers of people in the good ole US of A don ‘t get to go to the doctor.  At least half those people are women who need things like pap smears, breast exams, pregnancy counseling, birth control, and yes, abortions.  (I’m not going to get into that particular debate right now, just suffice it to say they are legal, have been legal, and are likely to continue to being legal.  Therefor performing them is not a fucking crime.)  This country pretends to be Christian but ignores the fact the huge portions of the New Testament implores people to deal with poverty.  Not gay marriage, not capitalism, not abortion, not tax cuts, POVERTY.  Yet I never see the fucktards in conservative baptist churches picketing to help the poor.  At least Planned Parenthood doesn’t pretend poor people don’t exist or, even worse, demonize them.  They might be one of the most christian organizations in the country.

Of course all the pretend Christians can’t see that because of the second reason Planned Parenthood is crucial.  PEOPLE HAVE SEX.  Not only like that, but many people like it.  And, gasp gasp, faint faint, half of those people are women too.  Oh my goodness, women enjoying sex?  The horror, the horror.  The political right wing of this country can’t fucking stand the idea of a sexually aware, joyful woman.  They’ve spent the 50 years since oral contraception was released trying desperately to shove that particular genie back into the pill bottle.  Talk honestly to the anti-choice movement and they admit that abortion is the first step in a long plan that includes banning the pill and eventually outlawing sex outside of marriage.  The recent attempts at ‘personhood’ amendments prove that agenda.

Now look what Planned Parenthood does.  It educates girls about their bodies.  It helps them keep from getting pregnant and helps them stay healthy.  Since the big swing to the right in the 2010 elections the evil, and I do mean evil, forces of repression have gone after PP with everything they have.  Many states have stripped funding and so has the federal government.  And now the new VP of Komen, who just happens to be a failed right wing political candidate in Georgia running on a pro life agenda, decides to cut funding too.  You can’t help but place this attack in that social context.

Now, on to Susan G Komen itself.  I’m not a huge fan.  First of all it’s ridiculous to let yourself be drawn into a political fight, especially one that seems to be counter to your mission statement.  Beyond that I have a healthy skepticism when it comes to cancer charities in general.  I once had a well known researcher at UCSF admit to me that there were people in the field that lived in dread of a true cancer cure because of the thousands of jobs and billions of dollars they would lose.  It reminds me of the March of Dimes who was pledged to fight polio.  When polio was cured the executives were shit out of luck.  Rather than congratulate themselves and go home or choose another disease they decided to pivot to ‘birth defects’ because that was a broad enough category to insure that they could stay employed.

Don’t get me wrong, cancer sucks.  I’ve held a close friend as she died of lung cancer.  The pain and loss are monumental and I would give much for a cure.  I’m just not totally comfortable with the giant industry that cancer care has become.  Especially a cancer that gets so much attention largely because tv executives like an excuse to put the word ‘breasts’ on the air.

I believe in charity.  I donate a lot of time and, for me, a lot of money to the causes I support.  Planned Parenthood makes the cut, and Susan G Komen doesn’t.  This whole debacle has looked a little bit too much like middle class white women thinking that breast cancer is a tragedy for them while breast cancer for poor brown and black women is a useful fund raising statistic.  But you might not want to take my word for it.  After all, I like sex and women and in some circles that makes me a heretic.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

Monogamy Shmonogamy…

I’m back already.  My goal of two posts a week is beginning to appear a little more realistic.  Anyway, I seem to be on a judgment kick lately.  Not sure why, but as usual I’ll just go with it.  After all, who am I to judge what to write about.  Shit comes into my head and I spill it out into the wild world of the collective online unconscious.

In the last post I wrote about… Oh never mind.  Just scroll down and read it.  Today I’m thinking about relationships.  Here’s a good question- define monogamy.  The dictionary says that it’s either being married to one person at a time or having one sexual partner at a time.  That’s a pretty broad fucking definition.  Oops, I made myself laugh.  Discussing monogamy and using the words ‘fucking pretty broad’.  Sorry, my sense of humor is on par with Bevis and Butthead. Where were we?  Oh yeah, define monogamy.  Can you?  Is your definition the same as mine, or even the same as your partners?  Wouldn’t you think that a society that’s supposedly built on the monogamous relationship could agree on what the fuck it means?

Let me pose a bunch of questions.  Let’s say you’re married and monogamous.  Where exactly are the boundaries?  Is it cheating if you look at another person?  How about if you look at them longingly?  Or sigh wistfully while looking?  Is it cheating if you watch porn?  What if you have virtual sex with someone in another country and you never actually meet them?  What about phone sex?  Or flirting?  A recent Senatorial candidate espoused the view that masturbation was non-monogamous.  Was she right?  (Of course she also may have been a witch.)  How about fantasy or role play?  Is it wrong to pretend your partner is Pee Wee Herman during sex?  What about a lap dance in strip club?  Or a perfectly chaste massage for that matter?  It involves intimacy and nudity.  Would it bother you more that your partner had a close friend with whom he shared emotional truths or if he got an anonymous blow job while drunk in a bar?  See, it’s not that easy a question, is it?

Of course I have the answer.  I always do.  Drum roll please…………. I lied.  I don’t have the answer.  Because there isn’t one.  Or more correctly there isn’t just one.  There are millions.  Every single person gets to have their own.  That’s the only way it can work in this wild and free world.  I get to set my boundaries, you get to set yours, and they might be TOTALLY different.  And that’s OKAY.  And here’s the mind blowing part.  Your partner doesn’t even have to have the same definition that you do.  In fact, they probably won’t.  Wow, cosmic, huh.  Maybe we better explore that a little more.

If you’re in a relationship have you talked about what the boundaries of monogamy are?  Why not?  Your relationship is probably based on monogamy so why haven’t you defined what it means to both of you?  The biggest part of being together might be that particular negotiation and the compromises it brings.  One of the things you’ll probably find is that it won’t work well to have both of you under the same rules.  Things that might make one partner crazy jealous won’t bother the other one at all.  A frank and honest discussion over time will lead to clear understanding and a lot less pain for both of you.  What’s more, the compromise you reach will be ABSOLUTELY UNIQUE.  No other couple in the whole fucking world will define monogamy in EXACTLY the same way you do.  Isn’t that wonderful?  Yeah, I think so too.  It’s the very essence of freedom.  But that’s where judgment rears it’s ugly misshapen head.

The world is full of busy body squirrels who apparently have nothing better to do with their sad, empty little lives than judge and condemn the beautiful, unique relationship you negotiated with your beloved.  Religions are full of them.  The government seems to think it gets a vote too.  If you’re monogamy happens to have the same genitalia, or a different race, or too big an age gap, or involve more than two people, or smiles upon extramarital coitus, or includes sex slaves, or whatever, some repressed little shrew somewhere is going to get their giant granny panties in a bunch and pass judgment.  Get enough of the evil little fuckers together and those judgments turn into laws and religious codes and pretty soon the universal suffering index skyrockets.  And who, exactly, the fuck are they to define a word that is clearly open to very broad interpretation?

The world is full of joy and relationships can be a vehicle toward it.  I’m lucky to enough to have met a wonderful partner.  We’ve been together for 22+ years and we have a monogamous relationship.  I know what she means by that and she knows what I mean.  The rules for each of us are DIFFERENT because we’re DIFFERENT PEOPLE.  What those rules are is none of your damn business and that’s exactly the point.  You decide what works for you and I’ll worry about me, and if other people are threatened or disapproving or judgmental they can go to hell.  Cause that’s where they belong.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

-Archbishop Angus

Some Sexist Thoughts

Bro’s and ho’s, how are we today?  The Right Reverend feels like stirring up a little trouble.  So prepare yourself to be offended.  Or not.  I can never tell.  Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the way men treat women.  I’m old.  Older than the hills.  Older than the microprocessor.  Older than dirt.  To prove that I was raised to treat women with a certain amount of respect and a large dollop or deference.  As a man my sacred role was as protector of the ‘weaker’ sex.  Yep, good old fashioned sexist pig stuff.  And by ending that practice we might have created a big fucking problem.  The law of unintended consequences strikes again.

Men, in particular young men, really want to have sex.  For many of those young men that means finding a willing female partner.  Usually a daunting task.  So young men do things like try to impress girls, take them to chick flicks, pretend to like kittens, and all sorts of other subterfuges.  The point is to find a girl who will say ‘yes’.

I know, this is hardly news.  But bear with me.  In this never ending quest for pussy it would be easy for guys to dehumanize their intended targets.  And while we all knew a couple of scumbags in high school or college who would do or say anything to be admitted to the moist parts, they were the exception.  And the bragging dumbass with the panty collection would be disliked by men as well as women.  He was not a ‘real’ man since ‘real’ men protected girls.  Even as they were trying to score.

There’s no question that those chivalrous beliefs were condescending, sexist, and almost certainly wrong.  But they did serve this one really good purpose.  They taught respect for women and a certain level of empathy.  These days many young men seem to completely lack these qualities.  We removed the sexist stuff but we didn’t bother to replace it with anything.  So most young men just treat women as prey.  Somewhere to put their dick.  A ‘score’.  And when some dumbass boasts about his ‘conquests’ the other boneheads cheer.  Date rape is more the rule than the exception.  A recent college study showed that 35% of college freshmen boys would commit forcible rape if they knew they wouldn’t be caught.  Because I’m old I don’t think that they’re real men.

I don’t have any good answer here.  Returning to sexism makes no sense, but an entire generation of predator boys seems worse.  I can’t help thinking of the difference between a native American hunting a buffalo with respect, and using it’s meat and hide with a profound reverence and gratitude.  And then comparing them to the fuckheads shooting game from a helicopter just for the cheap thrill.  I’m not sure this is progress.  Any thoughts?  Viva la revolucion.  Amen

Paranoid Rainy Friday Afternoon Thoughts

“What spirit is so empty and blind, that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is more noble than the shoe, and skin more beautiful than the garment with which it is clothed?” – Michelangelo

Brother and sisters, I am royally pissed off today.  I know, this isn’t really news.  I’m pissed off a lot.  And I think you should be too.  Anyway here’s the burr that’s gotten under my saddle today.  (Ooooh, I’m feeling cowboyish.  How butch.)

Subliminal shit works.  No, not that crazy backward album crap or the suicide messages in heavy metal music.  Not even the naked breasts cleverly hidden in the billboard cartoon.  I’m talking about subliminal messages that change public opinion through constant media repetition.  Those uber-squirrels Roger Ayles, Karl Rove, and the far right use it all the time.  They figured out that if you just repeat some piece of shit lie enough times in the media it becomes true in people’s minds.  The fact that it isn’t true at all disappears behind the perception.  Most of this dumb-ass country thinks Iraq was at least partially responsible for 9/11.  Nope, just squirrel talking points repeated over and over.  It works, and it works well.  When the revolution starts those people are going feet first into the wood chipper.  Slowly.

Sorry about that.  I got off track.  Anyway, we were talking about achieving evil squirrel social change through subliminal repetition.  I’m sure that there are quite a few good examples, and if you look I’m sure you’ll root them out.  One in particular is driving me crazy.  And it has to do with one of my favorite topics, sex.  As I’ve often discussed, the squirrels on both the left and right hate sex.  Don’t get me started on that again or we’ll never get to my observation.  Suffice it to say that they do not want you to be a happy, joyous. sexual creature and they’re using media subliminal messages to demonize your desires.

This is usually the point where all but my most faithful parishioners start to think “uh oh, here comes the crazy conspiracy crap”.  So instead of talking about some big super secret anti-sex cabal or some other nutcase theory let me just point out one simple observation and you can judge for yourself.  Whenever you hear the word sex on the news or in the media be sure to notice the words with which it’s paired.  Almost every time you hear the word it’s in the context of ‘sex crime’ or ‘illicit sex’ or ‘sexual predator’ or something else very negative.  There’s a constant effort to link the word sex with crime and evil.  And remember, this shit works.  What kind of world are we building?  And do we really want to make sex any more guilt ridden?  Somebody is going to pay for this.  Vaya con Dios and Viva La Revolucion

-Archbishop Angus

Sex, Part 2

Okay, so as usual I’ve been thinking about sex.  And let me just say here that if you’re sensitive or squeamish about sex, don’t read this post.  Because of the issue I’m exploring it may get a little graphic.

In an earlier essay I wrote about how this society was slowly being destroyed by sexual repression (See Newsflash, ATS, 2/01/09, Pop Culture section).  Surprisingly enough the world didn’t take notice and immediately change it’s behavior to please me.  Shocking, really.  So I guess I’ll try again.  Here’s my question- What is sex?  At what point can 2 (or more) people said to be having sex?  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?  Wait just one cotten-picken minute.  It’s harder than it looks.  (You knew I couldn’t get through this without some puns, didn’t you?)  And the ramifications of that answer turn out to be really important.

The standard answer most people give is that sex starts when the penis penetrates the vagina.  Well, not so fast.  What about anal and oral sex?  Do these count?  Turns out that according to some recent studies most teenagers don’t think so.  They’ve been raised with an abstinence only curriculum completely devoid of factual information.  They call themselves virgins simply because there’s been no penis-vagina contact.  While that might be technically true, it doesn’t matter much to STD’s.  These kids can’t understand how they got syphilis since it’s a ‘sexually’ transmitted disease and they didn’t have ’sex’.  Now you’re beginning to see why this matters.  And besides, this narrow definition would mean most every homosexual was a virgin and their sex didn’t count and that’s just silly.

Okay , so the whole penis in the vagina thing isn’t a good definition.  And it turns out there doesn’t seem to be any agreement on what to use instead.  Let’s take a fictional teenage couple, Dick and Jane.  At what point in their relationship do they become officially sexually active?  As long as they stay dressed?  Well, you can make somebody come through clothing.  As long as there is no penetration?  What about hand jobs?  Maybe if there’s no genital contact?  So if Dick sucks on Jane’s breasts while fingering her ass until she comes they aren’t having sex?  How about contact below the waist?  So if Jane comes while grinding on Dick’s leg while dancing in jeans does that count?  Or vice-versa?  Does someone have to come?  If so I think there are women with six kids who would qualify as virgins.  Does all penetration count?  Nope, not unless you want to count pap smears.  If Dick has a foot fetish and comes when Jane tickles his feet, would that count?  Most people would agree necking doesn’t count, but if you saw your spouse going at it with stranger you might change your mind on that one too!

It turns out to be kind of a difficult question, doesn’t it?  (Kind of hot, too!)  And it gets worse.  Most people change their answers depending on the situation.  Let’s go back to Dick and Jane and look at sex from the perspective of Dick’s father, Dick Senior.  (I’m sorry, I just can’t help myself.)  Dick Senior has at least 4 definitions.  If gets a quick blow job from a hooker at the local bar he might not consider that sex.  If his wife blows his best friend, it would be sex.  If he knew Dick Junior was fingering Jane, he probably wouldn’t count it.  If the exact same act involved his daughter it sure as hell would be sex.  Wow, what a mess.

There’s a temptation by some to step in here and use the Supreme Court definition of obscenity.  I don’t know what sex is, but I know it when I see it.  Wrong.  There are several urban dance moves that the average middle class suburbanite would absolutely declare as sex even thought the actual participants would disagree.

We, as a culture, are so repressed and fucked up when it comes to sex that we can’t even settle on one definition.  The subject is so taboo that we can’t even have a public discussion about it.  Religion, public policy, sexism, racism, fear, and sheer stupidity all get influence while science, joy, human behavior and common sense get ignored completely.  Before society can properly define sex we have to embrace it as a culture.  Sex is good, healthy, joyous and fun.  Anyone who represses sex is an enemy of humanity and needs to be smacked around a bit.  Sex education should be mandatory and based upon FACTS and SCIENCE, not religious mumbo-jumbo and superstition.  This must change and it must change NOW.  I don’t want to have to tell you people again.

By the way, here’s my definition of sex- The physical manifestation of love or lust by consenting adults in order to experience joy and make the world a little less cold and lonely.  So there.

Newsflash- People Like Sex

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. -HL.


I have an important newsflash for the country.  Human beings are sexual creatures.  People like sex.  Men like sex.  Women like sex.  Teenagers and senior citizens like sex.  Catholics, Muslims, and atheists like sex.  So can we all stop paying attention to the puritan freaks who demand that joy and our natural inclinations be repressed?

All human beings have three basic impulses.  We need to eat, to shelter ourselves, and to fuck.  All three things fulfill profound needs.  We shelter ourselves for warmth, safety, and the storage of possessions that allow us to thrive.  We eat and drink to nourish the body.  We have sex to reproduce our dna, keep the species alive, and to bridge that terrible loneliness that comes from the knowledge of our own mortality.

Let’s start with bodies and shame.  Everybody has a body.  They pretty much come in 2 styles.  Both styles have all the parts they need to live and reproduce.  That means we have genitals.  I have them, you have them, even priests have them.  Can we all stop being afraid of our natural equipment.  Children can not be corrupted by the sight of a naked body because they have naked bodies.  So do their parents.  How can a baby be breast-fed at age 1 and destroyed by viewing a breast at age 5?  It’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.  All the laws and mores around nudity have to be stricken down immediately for us to have any hope of being free and healthy.  Nudity and sex are not the same thing.

As human beings we have an incredible gift.  We can choose to thrive rather than just survive.  This means that we can find joy in the simple things that keep us alive.  We don’t just gather grapes and water, we make wine.  We don’t just slaughter a cow, we sauce it.  We move out of caves and holes and build the Taj Mahal.  We don’t just communicate, we sing and write poetry and paint.  And we don’t just procreate, we dress up in outfits and give each other oral sex. This is the very essence of what it means to be human.

American society is being destroyed by sexual repression.  (And groups like PETA and Antidrug groups are trying like hell to repress the joy out of bacon and rum and pot, but that’s another post altogether.)  The energy being spent to keep us from joy could be used to help people who really need it.  How many people have aids because some Catholic dickhead said don’t use a condom.  We’re sending teenagers to jail on child pornography charges for taking pictures of THEMSELVES when they’re under 18.  We are literally making ourselves crazy.

I should probably point out here that just like with food and housing, we need to make good choices.  There is inappropriate sex just as there is inappropriate housing and food.  If you have diabetes, don’t eat a lot of candy bars.  No one needs to have 7 houses.  Sex should always be between consenting adults.  This is why we have brains, memories, and nerve endings.  So that we can make decisions.

I shouldn’t have to point this out.  On some level we all know it’s true.  Infants need to be fed, kept warm, and BE HELD.  At puberty our sexuality blossoms and it’s impulses are just as strong as the need to eat and shelter.  No amount of religious or social posturing is going to change this simple fact.  Our instincts tell us what to do.  Our brain should tell us the best ways to do it.  Squirrels tell us to ignore reality.  I can’t think of any other single thing that causes so much trouble for no particularly good reason.  Jeez.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

– Archbishop Angus

I Like Girls

Thought of the day: “A man’s heart is like a sponge, just soaked with emotion and sentiment of which he can squeeze a little bit out for every pretty woman.” – Helen Rowland

I like pretty girls.  I’m a guy.  It’s my job and I refuse to apologize for it.  Just to be clear I believe in equality.  I know (not think) women should have political, economic and civil rights equal to any man.  They are just as smart, just as capable, and just as complicated.  I would even go so far as to say that any culture that represses women is clearly inferior and fucked up.  And I still like pretty girls.  I like the way they look.  I like they way they smell.  I like everything about them.  I can’t think of any situation that would not be improved by adding adding something cute in a bikini.  Of course I’m treating them as sex objects.  I said I’m a guy.  I don’t see the conflict in respecting the abilities of women and wanting to snuggle up next to a cute girl.  And did I mention that I have a very tolerant wife?

The following is a pledge from the Dirty Old Man Association.  I got a kick out of it.  And I agree,

I hereby promise: 1- Never to my willful knowledge let a beautiful girl pass without enjoying the sight.  2- Never to speak slightingly of or underestimate the importance of beauty and grace, and always support it in conversation when needed.  3-  To keep beauty near my heart and always be aware that it is what is keeping us happy and content, and much of what makes life worth living. 4- Never to let merely intellectual pursuits, important as they may be, distract me for any undue length of time.  5- To keep in mind that beauty is a spiritual thing, no more and no less.  6. To always keep a pure mind when seeing beauty, or, failing that, at least take pleasure thinking what I am thinking.  7- To remember that seeing is the only form of having that is actual. Thus, what you can see you can have. The reason for possessing anything is to prevent others from having it too, a pointless exercise.  8- To not be bothered when they go away. There will always be more.  9- To enjoy life and what it has given me, and in return to support life and be constructive. – Eolake Stobblehouse

“Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old” – Franz Kafka