Apparently we’re going to have a presidential election this year. I say ‘apparently’ because I’m not sure we really get to do much choosing. All the candidates represent one of two political parties, both which are wholly owned subsidiaries of the corporate oligarchy. But just for shits and giggles I’ll play along like we’re really doing something meaningful and grade the current choices. Let’s see if there’s any hope on the horizon…
Willard Mittington Romney- Also known as the guy pictured on men’s underwear packages. He’s rich. Thurston Howell the 3rd rich. In this era of Occupy awareness of income disparity he’s possibly the worst symbol you could choose for your party. He also made a lot of that money from gutting companies and sending their jobs to India. Besides that he has a little trouble relating to the common folk. Every time he makes an attempt something condescending and ridiculous comes out of his mouth. Not really his fault, but embarrassing none the less.
Besides his obvious social class he has two other little problems, his religion and his backbone. Mormons are a little weird and poorly understood by mainstream Christians but I think all the candidates are way too religious for my taste so I’ll give him a pass on this one. His perceived lack of conviction is more serious. The poor man wants to be President so badly that he will literally take any position on any issue at any time. At the very least it’s tacky and a bit tasteless. It also makes it very hard to predict what he’s likely to do if elected.
None of these issues disqualify him from winning but they do present a real stumbling block. His patrician demeanor and craven pandering make him a near perfect representation of all that’s wrong with our system. Not his fault, but there it is. Even so I suspect that he’s actually a decent enough fellow. All in all I’d actually have to agree with Newt Gingrich who said that Mitt would competently manage the decline of the country. But decline it would. My grade- D.
Newton Gingrich- I can’t believe this giant oozing bag of puss is actually getting people to vote for him. He’s racist, mean, and corrupt. His entire campaign revolves around tapping into the worst fears and traits of the dumbest people in the country. Every single person he worked with in the House has come out against him. On top of all that he stands in front of the camera and tells bald face lies. “I’ll make gas $2 a gallon”. “I’ll fire Supreme Court Judges”. The president can’t actually do any of the crap he’s promising but his supporters are too stupid to know any better. Fortunately he stands no chance of winning since the Republican Party elders loathes him. On the positive side he’s at least reasonably bright, just ask him. My grade- F.
Rick “Please don’t google me” Santorum- Seriously? I’d sooner vote for Rich Springfield. He might actually be the worst candidate for president in the entire history of our nation. He’s a theocrat who sees the government as an extension of his own repressive, hateful views. He thinks Satan is targeting the country. He has said that our national decline is due to women having sexuality. He equates homosexual love with bestiality. He believes that education and science are dangerous and elitist. Without exaggeration I would vote for Satan over Rick. My grade- F minus minus. He makes me ashamed to be an American.
Ron Paul- Oh Ron, what a conundrum you are. A true Yin/Yang, 50-50 candidate. Half wonderful and half bat shit crazy. There are two absolutely great reasons to vote for you. Of all the candidates you have the ONLY reasonable foreign policy. No bombing of Iran, no pseudo wars in Yemen and Somalia, withdraw from Afghanistan and stop being the world’s policeman. Honorable, moral, and fiscally reasonable. Not sure I could do any better. And you’re the only candidate who gives a shit about civil rights. You’re running against the Patriot Act and truly believe in limiting governmental powers, protecting individual rights and insuring personal privacy. A dream candidate. But then there’s the negative side of you. Most likely you’re a racist and somehow you manage to think abortion is exempt from your small government ideal. Also your insistence on returning to the gold standard is insane. Cute and anachronistic, but insane. My grade- C. How could it be any different once you average the A/F that you earn?
President Obama- The incumbent. The one and only time I voted for the winner in a presidential election and boy am I disappointed. Where to begin? First of all let’s dispense with all the bullshit. He IS the President and he deserves to be. He’s an American and a Christian. He is NOT a socialist, a marxist, or a radical of any kind. He barely fucking qualifies as liberal. He loves this country is well intentioned. The right’s constant attempt to paint him as “out of the mainstream” or “not one of us” is just poorly disguised racism. It only makes them look stupid, mean, and un-American. Their little pin brains can’t accept that the rest of the country isn’t as hateful or scared as they are. They need to shut up and go home.
Okay, now we can actually look at his presidency. The negatives- The health care act was a debacle. You sold out the single payer option in order to get a hodgepodge bill that everyone hates. You didn’t close Gitmo. You supported Bush’s tax cuts and the renewing of the Patriot Act. The detention provisions in the Defense bill are heinous. You increased our military presence in the world. You turned the economy over to Goldman Sachs and Wall Street. You refused to investigate and punish both the greedy fuckheads who wrecked the economy and the Bush sadists who tortured in our name. You’re deporting Mexicans at a rate that makes the KKK blush. You’re killing Americans oversees without due process. Your DHS and TSA are pissing all over the constitution. I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea. Not too good, but there are some positive accomplishments. You saved the auto industry. Your Supreme Court picks are pretty reasonable and there are likely going to be more openings. Dodd-Frank isn’t hopeless. You seem to be cool headed and handle crises pretty well. You were handed an economy that could have rolled over and died and it didn’t. You seem to have remembered your populism in the last few months. My grade- D plus, but I have hope that your second term might sneak up to a C minus. Call me a crazy optimist.
So, who to vote for? If I was forced to go with one of the above candidates I’d probably choose Paul. Ironically he’s probably the only one who could give Obama a tough test but he stands no chance of getting the nomination. My real vote will be for ‘None of the Above’. Once again I urge everyone to vote for any candidate not listed as a Republican or a Democrat. It’s the only way forward. Vaya Con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.