I’m back already. My goal of two posts a week is beginning to appear a little more realistic. Anyway, I seem to be on a judgment kick lately. Not sure why, but as usual I’ll just go with it. After all, who am I to judge what to write about. Shit comes into my head and I spill it out into the wild world of the collective online unconscious.
In the last post I wrote about… Oh never mind. Just scroll down and read it. Today I’m thinking about relationships. Here’s a good question- define monogamy. The dictionary says that it’s either being married to one person at a time or having one sexual partner at a time. That’s a pretty broad fucking definition. Oops, I made myself laugh. Discussing monogamy and using the words ‘fucking pretty broad’. Sorry, my sense of humor is on par with Bevis and Butthead. Where were we? Oh yeah, define monogamy. Can you? Is your definition the same as mine, or even the same as your partners? Wouldn’t you think that a society that’s supposedly built on the monogamous relationship could agree on what the fuck it means?
Let me pose a bunch of questions. Let’s say you’re married and monogamous. Where exactly are the boundaries? Is it cheating if you look at another person? How about if you look at them longingly? Or sigh wistfully while looking? Is it cheating if you watch porn? What if you have virtual sex with someone in another country and you never actually meet them? What about phone sex? Or flirting? A recent Senatorial candidate espoused the view that masturbation was non-monogamous. Was she right? (Of course she also may have been a witch.) How about fantasy or role play? Is it wrong to pretend your partner is Pee Wee Herman during sex? What about a lap dance in strip club? Or a perfectly chaste massage for that matter? It involves intimacy and nudity. Would it bother you more that your partner had a close friend with whom he shared emotional truths or if he got an anonymous blow job while drunk in a bar? See, it’s not that easy a question, is it?
Of course I have the answer. I always do. Drum roll please…………. I lied. I don’t have the answer. Because there isn’t one. Or more correctly there isn’t just one. There are millions. Every single person gets to have their own. That’s the only way it can work in this wild and free world. I get to set my boundaries, you get to set yours, and they might be TOTALLY different. And that’s OKAY. And here’s the mind blowing part. Your partner doesn’t even have to have the same definition that you do. In fact, they probably won’t. Wow, cosmic, huh. Maybe we better explore that a little more.
If you’re in a relationship have you talked about what the boundaries of monogamy are? Why not? Your relationship is probably based on monogamy so why haven’t you defined what it means to both of you? The biggest part of being together might be that particular negotiation and the compromises it brings. One of the things you’ll probably find is that it won’t work well to have both of you under the same rules. Things that might make one partner crazy jealous won’t bother the other one at all. A frank and honest discussion over time will lead to clear understanding and a lot less pain for both of you. What’s more, the compromise you reach will be ABSOLUTELY UNIQUE. No other couple in the whole fucking world will define monogamy in EXACTLY the same way you do. Isn’t that wonderful? Yeah, I think so too. It’s the very essence of freedom. But that’s where judgment rears it’s ugly misshapen head.
The world is full of busy body squirrels who apparently have nothing better to do with their sad, empty little lives than judge and condemn the beautiful, unique relationship you negotiated with your beloved. Religions are full of them. The government seems to think it gets a vote too. If you’re monogamy happens to have the same genitalia, or a different race, or too big an age gap, or involve more than two people, or smiles upon extramarital coitus, or includes sex slaves, or whatever, some repressed little shrew somewhere is going to get their giant granny panties in a bunch and pass judgment. Get enough of the evil little fuckers together and those judgments turn into laws and religious codes and pretty soon the universal suffering index skyrockets. And who, exactly, the fuck are they to define a word that is clearly open to very broad interpretation?
The world is full of joy and relationships can be a vehicle toward it. I’m lucky to enough to have met a wonderful partner. We’ve been together for 22+ years and we have a monogamous relationship. I know what she means by that and she knows what I mean. The rules for each of us are DIFFERENT because we’re DIFFERENT PEOPLE. What those rules are is none of your damn business and that’s exactly the point. You decide what works for you and I’ll worry about me, and if other people are threatened or disapproving or judgmental they can go to hell. Cause that’s where they belong. Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.