Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. -Kahlil Gibran
Jesus H. Fucking Christ. Freakin Moses and Mohammed. I have had enough of the whole lot. By the way, if you’re deeply religious in a god kind of way, you might want to turn to another channel. I’m going to piss you off. But I just can’t stand it any longer. So here goes…
I, the Right Reverend Che Gonzo, have had it up to here with the three big monotheistic religions. That’s right, Christianity, Islam and Judaism. If there is a hell, every god damned one of you pious mother fuckers probably belong there. I mean really, let’s start with the basis of your beliefs. A big, anthropomorphic guy that just happens to look EXACTLY LIKE YOU created the universe and runs everything in it. What are the odds? I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that kind of arrogance. So God is the “father” and he loves you and wants to bring you home? This is some weird kind of Freudian shit going on here. And I’m just getting started.
The ten commandments? Sure they seem to be a pretty good idea. But I haven’t noticed very many of you bothering to live by them. There is ABSOLUTELY NO CORRELATION between monotheism and kind, moral living. Sure, some of you do, but so what. Good people are good people and evil fuckers are evil fuckers. And that’s that. Religion has ABSOLUTELY NO CONNECTION to moral behavior. And you can’t argue otherwise or I’ll spend the next ten years listing evil shit done in the name of your specific god.
I understand that there’s a real danger in judging religions by the actions of a few. Except you fuckwads do it all the time. Right now many “good Christians” have their panties in a bunch because some Moslems want to build a community center 3 blocks away from where some other Moslem’s blew up the WTC. Okay, by this logic we better not let Christians build their church next to playgrounds because so many priests seem to like sucking on little boys penises. My point is that people are either good or bad, extreme or moderate, kind or cruel, based entirely on who they are, not on which temple they pray in. But all three of these giant religions claim the moral high ground and to represent the will of god. Bullshit squared.
Here’s something you’ll never hear a religious leader say; “Gee, I find this issue to be totally morally repugnant, but my God doesn’t agree with me so I guess I’ll go along with it.” Nope, won’t happen. Because ‘God’ just happens to agree with THEIR ideals and morals EVERY FUCKING TIME. Again, what are the odds? It’s amazing, ‘God’ is all powerful, but his very serious followers can’t even agree on whether he wants us to eat pigs? Really?
The whole Judeo-Christian-Moslem world view is deeply fucked down to it’s very core. The whole construct is based on the idea of ‘we’re right, we’re chosen and special, and everyone else is wrong’. How can this philosophy help but lead to conflict, dehumanization of others, and war? Do you want to believe in a monotheistic god? Good. Be my guest. Do you want to follow the Koran or the Talmud? More power to you. I’ll defend those choices and your right to make them down to my dying breath. But as soon as you start to talk about being the ‘chosen people’ or ‘the one true path’ or sending out missionaries or evangelicals to convert others you’ve crossed the line. You’re no longer religious. You’re arrogant, stupid and evil.
All three of the major old testament religions are constantly guilty of this. The jews actually refer to themselves as the ‘chosen people’. Moslems think they can kill people for drawing a picture of their prophet. Christians, well, never mind. You know as well as I do about missionaries and shit. And all three of you want to make sure that everybody else follows your repressive, anti-sex, anti-joy, anti-fun, and all to often anti-kind agenda. Even if some of us think the idea of a talking snake and a big guy in the sky is really fucking silly. Even if we happen to believe that the spiritual part of the universe rejoices in our orgasms, our joy, and our tolerance. So fuck you and your talking snake.
And that brings me to the final part of my heartfelt, sacrilegious rant. (And I hope you stayed with me, because I think it might be the most important.) The creation story that you all agree on, the one with Adam and Eve and the Apple, actually guarantees that you’re going to get it wrong. If you believe this story, you’re screwed, and here’s why: According to the bible, Adam was happy in Eden until the serpent and Eve tempted him onto biting into the “fruit of knowledge”. Upon doing so Adam became ashamed, covered his nakedness, and was kicked out of paradise. In this delightful little story the apple represents self knowledge or self awareness. That new found self awareness is what makes Adam start casting about for fig leaves. Now according to church doctrines, we are all ‘born into sin’ because of the knowledge gained by Adam. And by following the church, we can ge forgiven and returned to Paradise. In other words, the church is telling you that self awareness, self knowledge, personal growth and actualization is a sin. Smart is bad, stupid is good. And if you’re good enough, contrite enough, and dumb enough, you’ll get to lose all sense of yourself. I’m sorry, but that sounds like a shitty deal. It flies in the face of what we KNOW to be true. That by becoming freer, smarter, and more self aware we get to be better people, not the other way around. Although that back-assward world view does explain why people like Sarah Palin seem to find so many followers.
So, here are the new rules: Everyone gets to believe whatever they want. No one is persecuted because of their beliefs. No one gets to apply their religious beliefs to ANYONE OTHER THAN THEMSELVES. No one is allowed to recruit, evangelize, or have missions. Belief systems that celebrate joy, inclusion,tolerance, and self awareness will be given preference over hate filled bullshit. And I know these rules are right because I talked to God. He looked just like me, and he thinks I’m always right. What a wonderful coincidence! Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.