“Court life with love, and tame it with discipline; be an amateur at heart, and a professional in mind.” – Eolake Stobblehouse
Well boys and girls, here we are again. Monday morning and the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. There are many important issues to be discussed, but the good preacher just isn’t in the damned mood. So let’s talk about vegetarians instead. Not that vegetarians aren’t serious. Lord no. You’ll never find a more serious group. I just meant that I’m not too serious on the subject.
I better start with a disclaimer. I was a vegetarian for about 18 months in the late 80’s. I swear I was starving the entire fucking time. Also some of the most important people in my life are vegetarians. I support their choice, whether spiritual or political, even if I don’t happen to agree with it. Intelligent people can disagree without rancor and I hope they take this sermon in the way it is intended.
One of the joys of being a paranoid nut case is that you don’t necessarily need facts to explain the world around you. One’s mind is free to consider all sorts of entertaining possibilities without being constrained by a reality based paradigm. (And my world is probably more interesting than yours.) It was with this skill set that I started to think about vegetarians. You see, diet is pretty simple to me. Our ancestors survived because they could and did eat anything. We are predators. We live at the top of the food chain and I see no need to apologize for it. I don’t think God much cares one way or the other since pretty much everybody seems to everybody else in nature. I also don’t feel the need to follow 2000 year old superstitions about certain foods. So I eat the things that taste good and provide efficient fuel. End of story.
Given these clear and simple facts I’ve tried to explain why so many bright people don’t want a tasty steak. And a few years ago I finally figured out the ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION. Cow hypnosis. Yep. You heard it here first. Cows are hypnotizing people into not eating meat. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Once you know the facts it becomes so crystal clear. Think about it:
* Cows have those deep brown eyes, perfect for hypnosis.
* Cultures that don’t eat beef don’t eat any meat. Cultures that don’t eat pork still eat beef. Pigs clearly can’t hypnotize.
* Some vegetarians still eat fish, or even chicken. But the FIRST thing they always give up is “red meat”.
* All creatures in nature have some form of defense against being eaten. Cows have nothing. They’re dumb, slow, big, without weapons. Nature wouldn’t do this to anyone, so it gave them the power to hypnotize.
* Vegetarians seem driven to convert the world. Meat eaters, not so much. Vegetarians have been hypnotized to do the cow’s work for them.
* Vegetarians are frequently people who’s minds are open to change and personal growth. Therefor they might be more likely to fall prey to hypnotic suggestion.
* I could go on, but no amount of evidence will be enough for some people.
So there you have it. Vegetarianism explained. Next time you see a group of cows staring at you be sure you steel your mind and your resolve. Otherwise you’ll be damning yourself to a lifetime of salads and tofu. You’ve been warned. Vaya con Dios. Viva la Revolucion.