“Politics, like the waves of the ocean, attracts the eyes of the casual observer. But the real motion happens under the surface, where art, philosophy, and science are the great streams of the ocean.” Eolake Stobblehouse
Brothers and Sisters, since I have taken over this blog I’ve been asked by literally no one to explain my political views. So, as a result of this overwhelming demand I’ve decided to publish my political treatise. I’m sure the accolades, and perhaps a Nobel Peace Prize, will follow.
I am not a Republican or a Democrat. I believe in the Bill of Rights and Libertarian ideals, but think many of them are unworkable in the modern world. The roots of my political philosophy go much deeper. They start with an incredibly important film called “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” with Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson. Perhaps I should explain further…
In this profound, well thought out and brilliantly written allegory Debbie Gibson, a rebellious marine biologist, is witness to the US Navy accidentally unthawing two creatures in the arctic; a gigantic missile proof, airplane munching shark and an indestructible, battleship sinking octopus. Great havoc ensues and Ms Gibson must team up with Commando Lamas to save the world.
In the film the Shark is clearly meant to represent the giant corporations whose appetites are unchecked by any form of moral awareness. The Octopus was standing in for our government, equally dangerous and trying to get it’s tentacles into every part of our lives. Our two party system is defined by which creature you fear more. Democrats fear the Shark and seek to strengthen the Octopus, giving it ever more tentacles. Republicans fear the Octopus and want to make it ever smaller, even if it means they themselves will be shark chum in the water. Theocrats, represented by the military in the film, just refuse to accept that the creatures exist. All sides claim to have God on their side even though any beneficent deity wouldn’t sick either of these creatures on his poor minions.
Fortunately, we can look toward Dr. Debbie for the answer. The only rational option is to get them to fight each other. And this is my political philosophy. Both corporations and governments are evil and dangerous. Both of them will eat you up without any sense of conscious. So you need to keep them relatively equal and fighting each other. Any legislation that curbs corporate power is good. Any time corporations need to fight government regulation, I’m happy. And Theocrats are just silly ostriches with their heads in the sand. Dangerous and stupid, they need to be kept out of power at all costs.
While it’s unlikely that they’ll kill each other as the movie imagines, they might at least keep each other busy enough to allow real people to go about their lives with a minimum of thrashing about. In short, choose chaos and conflict. Scandal and criminality. Force corporations to spend billions on elections. Vote for anyone who seems to be antibusiness. Constantly regulate, deregulate, and re-regulate. And don’t take any of it too seriously. I’m waiting for my call from Oslo. Amen.